This started out as a comment to a very old and dear friend but I decided to make it a post of its own. Oy! My life is a series of slogans now. Easy does it. Time takes time. One Day At a Time. Fuck you! How the hell did I become a member of Idiots Anonymous? After 25 years of getting as twisted as possible as often as possible I finally gave up and asked for help. I don't like it one bit and I have no confidence of success but I'm trying. Today is 35 days=35 meetings. 6.25 more hours until today is over. I'm pretty much of a mess despite how good things are going. I have so much more free time now that I'm not chasing that stupid demon around anymore that I'm accomplishing everything I want and more. I still miss him though. I probably always will. The price of freedom is constant vigilance and sometimes we long to be slaves. Last night at about 2AM I broke down crying. I thought being suicidal was a side effect of alcoholism. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I really AM bi-polar. There's absolutely no fucking reason for me to feel this way. It comes and goes in waves. I'm happy go fucking lucky and then I want to blow my brains out for no apparent reason. Before y'all suggest I see a doctor and take the prescribed medication forget it. Secure that shit. I won't do it. I'd rather go back to drinking and that's a fact. I'll say this much: I'm as back and forth as I could be. Today a woman talked about staying sober even though she has brain cancer, is going through chemo and lost her job from being out so much. And I'm suicidally depressed over...what? I don't even know. Pretty fucking sad, pathetic and ridiculous if you ask me. Apparently there are more than one of me so be sure who you're talking to when conversing with me. Lord knows what I might say or do. There's more. Lots more. And none of it matters one damned bit. If you are reading this that shouldn't be; fuck off!This means you! Stop following me! Get the spiders off! Get them off!
4 comments:
hey, i gacve ya my non-medical prescription, didn't i? yeah i know i did. keep doin yer count and go serve someone in a worse of condition. go make some dinner for that lady with brain cancer. seriously. cook her of buy her a lovely meal and go play your guitar for her and sit with her. that's a fuckin order. (and i'm only giving it because i like ya so much)
Well, shit. I totally forgot what I was going to say after reading Lime's advice. Whatever it was, hers is better. Hang in there, boy-o.
Yeah...what Lime said.
Also?
I quit smoking a few years ago. Now, it's not the same kind of addiction, I'll grant you that, BUT it does play tricks with your mind very similar to that.
And it probably will for a lot longer, the good news is you start to recognize that it isn't really that YOU want to blow your brains out, it's the addiction trying to give you a reason to go back to 'ease the pain'.
You know what I'm going to say next, right?
Yeah.
Don't fall for it.
I'm useless because all of the previous commenters said better things than I could have. Especially Lime.
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