Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I ganked this from www.postsecret.com a while back. I don't feel bad reposting the image because a) I bought the book, and b) it was posted on the internet and since it was possible to download...you get the picture. I'm not getting into copyright issues today though there are plenty to talk about. I recently filed the copyright paperwork for my first novel so that's on my mind but a picture of the form would be boring. My problems with this image are many.
I have "had" numerous women who were married. Never having had any faith in the institution of marriage (my parents being on their 5th spouse each) I didn't feel guilty. I still don't feel terribly guilty since they all had "good reasons" to "cheat". Historically I haven't been the most faithful lover in the world myself. Instant slut, just add alcohol. So now that I'm thinking about getting married myself these issues are bugging me some. I feel I've learned my lesson. Winners never cheat and cheaters never win. I have faith in my mate as well as myself now, but I can't help getting the nagging feeling that we're all fooling ourselves and that the genetic predisposition of both sexes to be unfaithful is greater than the bonds of love can bind. Your thoughts, my bloggy peeps? And what's that whistling sound I hear getting louder?
Well, first, it's a striking image.
I think fidelity is possible, but it's something that you have to choose to do, and you must choose to do it over and over again.
We're all sexual creatures, just like we love chocolate. It's about choices and consequences.
Oh, I choose to do it over and over again all right. That's my whole problem! :-)Mmmmm... chocolate... Choices and consequences not so much. I'm not sure what I was trying to express. My inherent distrust? "Come and see the violence inherent in the system!" "Help! She's repressing me!" Shut up Andy, you wanker.
Ah. This one hits close to home. All of my friends, and I mean ALL of them got married in their 20s and are now divorced and remarried, some of them divorced again.
Put on top of that the fact that my own parents divorced.
And then for some strange reason, people that shouldn't have started confiding in me regarding their extra marital affairs.
There was no way I was ever going to get married - after all, the evidence around me showed that even good people were going to cheat or be cheated on. And who wants to believe you will fight over splitting the value of a refrigerator in just under 5 years?
All of that changed the moment I met my husband. So cliche, but you just know. Well, and we talked about how our experiences in the past had made us both think that perhaps a solid, cheat free marriage wasn't possible.
I'm no professional relationship anything, but I'd say the fact that you are honest with yourself and are thinking about these things is a good sign. You must feel comfortable enough with her to have doubts? Which you guys can now address with each other.
All those situations in the past are in the past. They were different people, different times. Yes, it makes you who you are today - but it doesn't guarantee that you will cheat. Or that someone will cheat on you.
The only thing I can suggest that seems to have been and still is a huge comfort to me is TALKING. Even when it super hurts and super sucks, TALK IT OUT. To her and her to you.
I don't have anything to hide, and I can get everything I need in one place, with one person. I might think our vending machine guy is super hot, but I'm not about to touch him.
Because I can appreciate the magazine looks of any guy - and the husband can check out any girl he wants. At the end of the day we will laugh and compare notes with each other.
For me, as long as everything I say and do can be known by him - I will never need anyone else. I believe the second anything, no matter how small, is hidden from the other person - the trouble begins.
None of this probably makes any sense. *sigh*
No, actually that makes tons of sense and I'm glad you wrote it down so I can look at it again. Thanks Zoomy!
I have a millions thoughts about this post. Your questions could start an entire blog all their own.
I'll tell you a few things that I won't say on my own blog. They aren't secrets, but I don't want them quite so "out there".
I've never cheated myself. However, I've been in an open marriage for almost 9 years. There's a difference. No lying or hiding or betrayal. At the same time, I've been with people who are cheating on their partners. I avoid such situations, but don't feel guilty if I end up there (each of us is responsible for our own relationships). It never ends well, and everyone loses (including me) in some way or another.
As far as the open marriage thing goes, I'm sick and tired of it. There's something to be said for being loved, cherished and treasured by one person, and feeling the same way about them. It's about intimacy. I haven't had it for years and it sucks. You have it with Brenda. It takes work to keep it, especially after the new-relationship-energy wears off. But it's worth it. You got a good thing with that beautiful woman of yours. No amount of pussy is better than that.
Interesting. Some people say an open marriage is the healthiest kind, but I'm not really buying it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of group activities, but as soon as '1 on 1' becomes 'each on many' something is lost.
I think monogamy goes against human nature.
That said, at least you are thinking about it..
monogamy is a choice, and so is love. you show your love by keeping your wife honored and respected as she will respect you in marriage. good luck to you two.
i come from a family with parents who were married for 35 years, and would have been married forever (i think) had my dad not passed away and i think people can be monogamous. for me it's knowing there's more long-term gratification in my present relationship, in multiple areas, not just sex. i know that i could not tolerate cheating because for me that would be the biggest betrayal. i've also known some friends in open relationships. they've never worked and someone has always been severely let-down.
you really have to make sure that you and your fiance really have the same ideas about marriage and fidelity because. Zoooom is right about being able to talk about it making a difference.
As if I know anything, but ago-go hit on something crucial that I didn't realize was a huge help in my relationship. The fact that the Mr. and I pretty much talked about as much stuff as we could think of that might be a deal breaker BEFORE we got married. Money, and how it will/would be handled. How would we handle a friend or family member who needed a place to stay or borrow money? Do we want kids (both, NO). How do we handle invites to places. How do we handle it when one person wants to go somewhere and the other one wants to stay home? Where do we want to live? Where would we hate to live? How would we handle it if one of us was out of work suddenly?
Stuff like that. And a huge one:
DON'T HOLD ANYTHING OVER THE OTHER PERSON'S HEAD, EVER. Let it go once it's resolved. If you still honestly have lingering issues, bring it up in exactly that way. Say what you mean and don't expect anyone to ever know or be able to know unless you SPELL IT OUT.
oh andy, this is a tough one.
i think the ideal marriage is where you feel fulfilled enough that there is no desire to go elsewhere. from the way you have been speaking of brenda, i hope that is the case for you. from what you say, it sounds like you've been around enough to know that what you have is something special.
but just from personal experience, if you have been in a long-term relationship, i think there are bound to be temptations. it's what you do about them. it is not easy, but if you are in it for the duration, you have to respect that person enough to be true to them. at least in a perfect world.
a. perfect. world.
is there such a place?
Oh, interesting discussion...
I don't know if I feel qualified to give advice on this since I'm so young... but I have had a successful relationship for 6 years and been married 3 1/2 of those... that's longer than a lot of people older than me.
I think a lot of people already hit on the important points. Communication is key... I can't believe how many married couples don't talk about the importatnt stuff... if there's something on your mind involving your spouse that you're talking to a friend about... talk to your spouse about it!
And as far as remaining faithful... I doubted that I was able to... but it's a choice I've made. I know that it's better in the long run. An intimate, loving relationship is worth giving up some momentary pleasures.
In order to help myself... I've given myself a rule or two... the biggest one being that I will not have more than one alcoholic drink without my husband around. I know that I turn into an obnoxious whore when I'm drunk, so there's no need to frustrate myself and be tempted. If I'm sober, my head's clear enough to make rational decisions.
Anyway, just my 2 cents.
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