Well the new year is off to a mighty strange start. I woke up this morning and did something extremely uncharateristic of me. I went to church. Let me tell you, THAT'S desperation. I got thinking about it last night and it was the first (OK the second) thing on my mind when I woke up. I threw on some clothes and drove to St Augustine's. It's right next to where Brenda lives. Yes she goes there (very rarely) with her girlfriend/neighbor that I know she was out with last night. Lest you think I'm stalking her I didn't go there to see her. I went to talk to God. In person, so to speak. Was I secretly hoping she might be there and see me? Probably, although frankly I wouldn't have wanted her to see what I did. I cried like a baby. I walked in about 10 minutes before Mass (I luckily guessed it was at 10AM). I sat about halfway down in the back and lost it. It's pretty hard to cry hysterically and still be quiet but I did a pretty good job. I got down on my knees and cried my eyes out (something I hadn't really been able to do before) and begged God to please give me the strength to make it through this and, if it His will to Please, Dear God, please bring back my Brenda to me. Amen. I haven't been a practicing catholic since I was about 10.
A funny thing:I made it through the service without any major fuckups I guess, except that I forgot that when it's time for communion you walk up there whether you're taking communion or not. Since I hadn't gone to confession I couldn't take communion. That way everyone goes back to their seats in the same order. I just sat there and people had to skootch by me. I would have laughed if I weren't crying so hard. I felt bad when it was time to shake everyone's hand (the 'peace be with you' thing). Firstly, it was clear that peace was not with me and secondly both hands were covered in tears and snot. Whatever, they shook my hand anyway.
I kept crying for a while in the car after we left. Finally I was all cried out. Strange thing though; I was hungry afterward for the first time in 5 days. That's good because I was pretty much starving myself to death. Since I can't smoke or drink anymore food will have to come back into play.
I guess after the greif stage comes the rage stage. Stay tuned for bitter vitriol.